Kuroshitsuji Units: User Guide and Manual
by Saturnine Smile
Summary: Due to customer requests Claude Faustus is the newest addition to our product family. Please feel free to suggest other Kuroshitsuji characters for mass production. Reviewers get 10% off :D
1. Sebastian Michaelis

***Congratulations!***

You are now the proud owner of a Sebstian Michaelis - hell of a butler© unit from our premium Kuroshitsuji line.

Follow this manual and your butler will give you and your offspring centuries of quality performance and faithful service.

_*Important notice*_ The Sebastian Michaelis model needs an experienced and firm handler and is not recommend for beginners! If you don't feel up to the challenge of keeping a tamed demon in check this model is not for you and you might want to return it at full refund before unboxing.

His soul eating ability is permanently disabled, so fear not dear customer!

The experiences he can provide are unique and highly gratifying.

* * *

**Initial Activation:**

Your Sebastian should come fully assembled and equipped. Please check his accessories before proceeding; later claims cannot be taken into account.

He comes with:

- a complete set of Clothing befitting a butler of the Victorian era

- a pocket watch

- a 60 piece set of sterling silver cutlery

- 2 extra pairs of high quality gloves, one pair cotton twill, one pair thin leather

_If you wish to attain additional merchandise our range includes:_

_A pink bonnet- recommended for tea parties or to dampen his cocky attitude_

_A mask, glasses and a shawl for the sexy tutor look_

_Bunny ears, tail and cuffs for the white rabbit look _

_His true form attire *kinky*... and many more!_

Sebastian is voice activated. Before activating him place the supplied seal somewhere on your body. The more prominent the spot the stronger he will become attached to you.

_*Important notice*_ As tempting as it may be do NOT place the seal on places that should not be seen in public as Sebastian is strong willed and will sometimes refuse to carry out an order when given in a manner that he sees unfit. The correct way to give Sebastian an order is to speak in a loud, firm and confident voice, while baring your seal and glaring at him. If people watching feel the sexual tension and Sebastian is flustered, falls to his knees and exclaims: "Yes my lord/lady", you're doing it right.

* * *

**Features:**

Your Sebastian unit prides himself in being one hell of a butler. He is very competitive and ambitious and able to complete any task assigned to him with superior outcome as long as you order him to do so. He will do anything for his master.

His specialties are cooking, managing a household, cleaning, dancing, singing, playing the violin and massaging. His stunning looks never go unnoticed and he is programmed to be polite and docile if handled in the correct manner.

His memory contains lot's of entertaining stories, poems and detailed trivia knowledge.

After completing nearly impossible tasks he will often shrug it off with the line "A butler who can't do this isn't worth his salt".

* * *

**Mannerisms and Character:**

He cannot lie to you, however sometimes he will withhold information or find loopholes in orders so be sure to word your orders in a precise manner and question him thoroughly, don't just assume he will tell you everything on his own.

Don't praise him.I mean it! No matter how impressed you are do not show him or all your previous training efforts will be in vain. He is a demon after all and if not kept in line can become obnoxiously arrogant, and may even start to question your superiority.

If you feel he really deserves a reward you can let him give you a bath or pretend that you sprained your ankle and let him carry you home.

Don't make the mistake of showering him with affection, cooning over him or openly worshipping him. This model get's a lot of attention from both sexes and has only contempt for people that fall for him because of his good looks. Stay strong and show him that you will not accept undesirable behaviour no matter how sexy he looks, how often he removes his gloves with his teeth or how many times he flips that perfect hair of his!

Don't let him keep a cat! Cat's are this models kryptonite and can make a complete fool out of this demon, complete with weird cutsey noises and bad poetry! Don't let this happen! The only one he should worship is you! Demand his complete affection and attention; this will earn you his respect and he will probably fall in love with you.

* * *

**Cleaning: **

Sebastian is perfectly able of cleaning himself and will stay clean when provided access to a bathroom. Even stubborn stains like whipped cream, baby oil or candle wax are not a problem. He would love to bathe you so if he asks you to by all means say yes and enjoy one of his famous massages.

* * *

**Recharging: **

Sebastian doesn't need sleep or food and to say he operates on longing alone would not be untrue. He wants to fulfil your every wish so be sure to assign some tasks to him to keep him busy, otherwise he might feel useless and fall into a great depression.

If he tries to convince you to tie him up and whip him because "pain is the best spice and I need it for my electrolyte balance" by all means follow his suggestions but don't think for one minute that it has anything to do with food or electrolytes.

* * *

**Lubrication: **

To maintain perfect working order some parts of your Sebastian require regular lubrication. A detailed description of the correct lubrication is beyond this manual. For more information please refer to the adult section of any fanfiction site.

* * *

**Troubleshooting and FAQ: **

How to _reset_ your unit: Tell him he has fulfilled the contract and that he may eat your soul. After some serious mouth to mouth action he will fall into a happy stupor in which he will stay until you give him an order with your best pack leader voice.

Q: Can I order a second Sebastian?

A: Absolutely!

Problem: My Sebastian doesen't react or laughs when I give him orders.

Answer: Have you placed your seal? If not - reset the unit and place the seal. If you did; bitch slap him, drag him to the floor and alpha roll him immediately. Obviously your tone was not commanding enough. – If it is the first time this happens you can still correct the unwanted behaviour, otherwise reset the unit and let your local drill sergeant, domina or spoiled brat give you tips on commanding voice and attitude.

Problem: My Sebastian has developed an unhealthy obsession with a blue haired teenage boy and wants to protect him.

Answer: Sebastian is prone to this as he is drawn to innocence, but nonetheless if you would given your unit enough attention and the proper training it would not have come to this. It is suggested that you call your local demon shelter where competent people will take care of Sebastian. You are a terrible owner for neglecting him so much!

Problem: My Sebastian seems distracted and has a happy absent smile. I haven't changed my behaviour towards him. What's wrong with him?

Answer: I don't know how to tell you this but he may be seeing cats behind your back! Search the vicinity immediately and get rid of any cats you find.

Problem: My Sebastian has become possessive of me and tries to kill other people if they so much as lay a hand on me.

Answer: This is only natural for him, you are the center of his universe after all. If you want to keep seeing other people, he can't do anything about it just order him to deal with it!

Problem: Sebastian has dishevelled clothes and visible love bites and teeth marks.

Answer: Do you own other models from our Kuroshitsuji line? Set the slash settings from M to T and you should be fine. If you don't own other models you probably should go easy on him and give him time to fulfil his duties as your butler.

Problem: After you activate your Sebstian squeeing and screeching fangirls lay siege on your house.

Answer: Your Sebastian would be capable of easily disposing of them, however it is not suggested as you can only bury so many bodies in your backyard before the neighbours get suspicious. Tell them that you have been issued a Claude. Most of them will leave. Try to start an argument with the remaining ones about favourite pairings or the like and during the commencing fights sneak out and keep a low profile for a few days.

Problem: Sebastian attracted a particularly persistent red haired fangirl. She seems mentally unstable, wields a huge chainsaw and want's to have his babies. Sebastian is not amused. I saw a hint of panic in his eyes!

Answer: You just obtained a Grell Suitcliff unit. For further information please refer to her user manual.

* * *

**Final note:**

In order to avoid bloody fights between your children remember to choose which of them will inherit your favourite butler and set it in your last will.


	2. The Undertaker

***Congratulations!***

You are now the proud owner of an Undertaker unit – legendary Shinigami© from our premium Kuroshitsuji line.

Follow this manual and the Undertaker will give you and your offspring centuries of comic relief and entertainment. It's hard to predict what this unit will do but rest assured he was manufactured with the greatest care and is built to last. From this day onward your life will be filled with excitement!

_*disclaimer*_The Undertaker unit is not recommended for people with heart conditions or anxiety disorders as he loves to scare people. Our company is not liable for any incidental, consequential or indirect damage be it mentally, physically or monetary that resulted from opening this box.

* * *

**Initial Activation:**

Your Undertaker should come fully assembled and equipped. Please check his accessories before proceeding; later claims cannot be taken into account.

He comes with:

- a long black dress gown, a comically large top hat and a grey scarf

- two mysterious lockets

- a kettle with a box of homemade, bone shaped biscuits

- two beakers which he uses as cups

- one set of carpenter tools

_*important notice*_ for legal reasons we cannot include his death scythe, his dissecting instruments or his pink death bookmark. However, you can obtain these items if you prove a responsible owner. You are eligible if you complete a two year course, pass a home inspection, Undertaker obedience test and a psychological evaluation by an expert. For further information please contact the Shinigami headquarters.

_*notice*_ It's not a mistake that no glasses are included. True Shinigamis are extremely near sighted but this unit stubbornly refuses to wear glasses, maybe because his bangs cover half his face?

_If you wish to attain additional merchandise our range includes:_

_A pink bonnet and matching dress - for theatre performances or dress ups_

_A Charlie Chaplin costume_

_A Mad Hatter costume - for that crazy tea party or to liven up your fundraiser_

_A white lab coat - for the crazy scientist look_

_More coming soon!_

The undertaker is voice activated. Before activating him please make sure you have a coffin for him to sleep in (preferably one that can be locked from the outside), ingredients for biscuits and a joke book. (You won't need the book if you have jokes memorized.) Tip: He likes black humour and impersonations.

* * *

**Features:**

Your Undertaker is versatile; he can bake, man a forensic laboratory, prepare bodies for funerals, taxidermise animals or build coffins.

His abilities may be unusual but with a little creativity all of them can be put to good use. He likes to build coffins- with a few adjustments you could use them as furniture. Coffin bookshelves, coffin pool tables, coffin bathtubs, coffin couches or a nice and cozy coffin double bed. Sweet, right? Your gothic friends will be jealous.

He could do your makeup for you, dress your wounds, tutor you in science, sew stuffed animals or build sculptures.

Little known fact is that he loves the colour pink and cross-dressing so why not take him on a girly shopping trip? He may be a powerful death god but is not above giggling like a little school girl if he feels like it.

His memory reaches far back and he has equally interesting and disturbing stories to tell.

* * *

**Mannerisms and Character:**

This unit loves to laugh and will sometimes set this as a condition for his cooperation. Keeping a Sebastian handy is a good idea as he amuses the Undertaker like no one else.

On the outside he is an easygoing and loveable dork that that loves nothing more than scaring unsuspecting individuals shitless by jumping out of his coffin, or playing dead.

He is quite fascinated with dead things. It's your job to see to it that he doesen't go into bored psychotic mode by keeping him occupied. Probably a few anatomic models, a microscope or a Charlie Chaplin complete dvd collection will help distract him. Due to his curious nature you might happen to stumble upon him when he subjects himself to potentially life threatening situations. Don't panic! He is not trying to kill himself because you threw the maggot ridden raven out you found in his coffin. On the contrary he is just trying to comprehend how it feels to be dead. Remember the old saying "Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back to life."? Well the same thing applies to eccentric morticians apparently. Remeber to check his room regularly and get rid of any road kill you find.

He seems quite attached to the two lockets he carries. Under all circumstances refrain from making any negative remarks about them, even if you think they are gaudy.

Suprisingly he is quite good with children, when he is not mentally scarring them for live by talking about his latest dissection in all it's glorious blood soaked detail or hiding in their closet, scraping against the insides with his fingernails and moan grusomely that is.

* * *

**Cleaning: **

Even though the Undertaker likes his room to be dusty and full of spider webs to give it the homely appearance of a crypt he is capable of keeping himself clean.

* * *

**Recharging: **

Shinigamis don't need food, but are known to eat for loves the little bones shaped bisucuit he carries around in a little kettle. Depending on your relationship he might be willing to share. If he offers do accept. They are delicious! Do not let him prepare any other food. With his love for dead things and his absent mindedness things could go terribly wrong. As formaldehyde and other chemicals used to preserve animals etc. are highly toxic.

* * *

**Lubrication: **

No human has ever ventured this far. We don't recommend it. You might manage to get him interested if you soak in cold water for a few hours and put on some zombie makeup but when you carelessly fall asleep next to him you might wake up to find one of your kidneys missing and served later with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

* * *

**Troubleshooting and FAQ: **

How to reset your unit: This unit is very ticklish so just tickle him until he bursts into laghter. This will render him defensless and cause him to reboot ASAP. *Note* If you want him to do you a favour and he asks you to make him laugh try telling a joke instead or mimick Sebastian licking Ciel's shoes.

Problem: He said he wanted to play with dolls, but I don't have any, also he left the house with a huge knife.

Answer: RESET HIM IMMEDIATLY!

Problem: I can't get him to let me take a look at his face.

Answer: He is bashful; isn't that cute. Just sneak up to him and lift his bangs, he should go from cackling creep to sexy bishie within seconds.

Problem: He attracted a flamboyant, red haired, green eyed fangirl. I can't get her to leave and she threatened me with a huge chainsaw.

Answer: Congratulations! You just obtained a Grell Sutcliff unit. Even covered with those long bangs his pretty face set Grell's sensitive bishie radar off. You could keep her, she and Undertaker get along quite well. If you want to get rid of her call Shinigami dispatch or get a William or Sebastian to kick her out. We don't recommend you kick her out yourself as she also is a Shinigami and only got a C in ethics if you catch the drift. For more information on Grell consult her user manual.

Problem: I told him I had financial troubles, zombie apocalypse ensued!

Answer: He tried to help you by creating "dolls" he planned to sell to bored rich people. Wait until your asthma attack is over, if you are lucky and own a Sebastian unit he will save you. If that's not the case praise the Undertaker, in order to be able to get near him and reset him.

Alternative Answer: Praise your Undertaker, PROFIT! Next step world domination. Might as well start to practice your evil overlord laughter now. Anything is possible with an Undertaker!

Problem: You told him you were afraid that your cat might die, he stuffed it and proudly put it on display on your coffee table claiming that it can now stay with you for the rest of your life.

Answer: Well technically he is right. You see what he did there, no? Next time try not to make any comments that bring out his psychotic side. If you don't want to be punished with love withdrawal don't let Sebastian see it!

* * *

**Final note:**

Good luck!


	3. Alois Trancy

A/N: Thank you to everyone that reviewed! I appreciate it! :3

Thank you ClearSnow for being my beta and inspiring me to write! You are hereby declared head of the QA and Product Testing division. Thank you for being a friend!

Also Thanks Universalsweetheart for asking permission to use a Sebastian unit in a fanfiction. Everyone please feel free to type away, but do hit the pm button and drop me a line, because I'd like to read it!

* * *

_*writing on the box*  
Before obtaining this unit please take the time to answer the following questions as honestly as possible: _

_Do you consider yourself a potential fire hazard due to excessive hairspray use/heavy drinking or because your wardrobe is mostly made of synthetic fibre? (Y/N)  
Would you sniff a rag without hesitation if someone held one up to your face and asked, "Does this smell like chloroform?" (Y/N)  
"Are you averse to being constantly groped or felt up without your consent?" (Y/N)  
Are you easily offended by vulgar styles of speech or dress? (Y/N)  
"Are you the type of person who melts into a puddle of goo and instantly forgives a cute boy if he flashes you sad puppy eyes, no matter how grievously he has misbehaved or acted out? If so, do you let him walk away unpunished, or even reward his misdeeds with a treat (like a cookie) because "he's just so adorable?" (Y/N)_

If you answered "Yes" to any of the above, we strongly discourage you from purchasing an Alois unit, if you value your personal safety and happiness. We recommend a cheery-albeit slightly annoying-Elizabeth unit instead. She is a lot more low-maintenance than Alois...well, until she inevitably decides to redecorate your home with lots of lace and ribbons. While you may be tempted to strangle her afterwards, keep in mind that ribbons or lace never physically hurt anyone. - Only your pride will suffer.

To those brave souls who deem themselves fit enough to survive an onslaught of Mr. Fancypants (or to those who are so blinded by their love of Alois that they choose to ignore our warnings at their own peril):

***Congratulations!***  
You are now the proud owner of an Alois Trancy A.K.A. Jim Macken unit – everyone's favourite slutty, psychotic shota © from our premium Kuroshitsuji line.  
Follow this manual and hopefully Alois won't do any critical and/or irreversible damage.

*disclaimer * Our company is not liable for any mental, physical, monetary, or property damage that you may suffer as a direct or indirect consequence of opening this box.

* While Jim (or Alois, as he prefers to be called) is only a human boy and seems harmless in comparison to the shinigamis, demons, and angels in our line, the preceding disclaimer STILL applies.

* * *

**Initial Activation:**

Young Earl Alois Trancy should come fully assembled and equipped. Please check his accessories before proceeding; later claims cannot be taken into account.

He comes with:  
- his legendary booty shorts (somewhat inappropriate), brown  
- sultry shorts (even more inappropriate), black

- a purple frock coat, a green vest, a white button-up shirt, a dark grey-black ribbon (to tie around his neck), long black stockings, and high-heeled brown boots with purple laces and bows. *Let's hope DC Comics never figures out that this outfit resembles the Joker's attire or we might have to change the colour scheme to avoid a lawsuit.*

*notice* Claude is NOT included, nor does the Alois unit have a contract with that demon.

If you wish to attain additional merchandise our catalogue/inventory includes:

- scandalous shorts (highly inappropriate), black, sequined  
- a white, frilly nightshirt  
- a maid costume, for cross-dressing at costume parties

- a navy striped shirt, a grey cardigan, and black skinny jeans for the modern look

Alois is voice activated. You must promise to stay with him FOREEEEVVVEEEER. This is also the first step towards gaining his trust. It would be prudent to keep some photos of Ciel on hand; they might come in handy and serve as an easy distraction should the introduction not go well. Tell him off if he tries to burn your house down or hurt you or other members of your household. When attempting to move forward from the introductory phase, we recommend simple bonding activities like baseball, going for milkshakes, etc., as they will give him the attention he needs.

*Warning* Be sure to install child protection on the internet and supervise his online time, otherwise he will most likely post nude pictures of himself everywhere and sext with strangers.

*Warning* Keep him away from our Claude unit as this will only worsen his psychotic behaviour and could result in fatal damage to your Alois.

*Warning* DO NOT IGNORE your Alois unit or leave him alone for extended periods of time or you are likely to come home and discover him torturing your servants and masturbating to pictures of Ciel. Studies have shown that if he doesn't get enough attention he will invite random people over (pizza boys, milkmen, neighbors, child protection service employees), get bored of or frustrated with them, dispose of them through various draconian methods, and then promptly burn the house down in order to cremate their mangled corpses as he screams about them now being unable to leave him like you did.

Of course you, as his owner, are going to be held responsible for all his actions so please take your responsibility seriously!

* * *

**Features:**  
The prime feature of this unit is to annoy the Ciel unit to no end and to instill fear in the lesser servant units. Those of you starved for hormone-addled shenanigans will be particularly pleased, as he acts out with the devilish glee and conviction of ten normal teenagers combined and could surely get the infamous Super Nanny committed to an insane asylum without even trying. You could use this unit to fuck up your ex boyfriend (literally _and _figuratively), offer him up as case study for psychiatrists, or get him to liven up that party of yours. Òle!

Mannerisms and Character:  
Alois is bubbly, lively, and quite fickle with his affections and interests. He is one of our more needy units as he seems to be bipolar and hypersexual on top of suffering from severe separation anxiety and being plagued by childish fears, the most predominant being fear of the dark.  
While these traits can be highly amusing to a bystander, trust us when we say that you _do not_ want to get caught in the crossfire. When (and it is a "when", not an "if") he starts freaking out, be nice to him-but not too nice or he will remember how soft you acted and proceed to walk all over you in the future.  
If you hope to engage a romantic relationship with this unit and you are not a cute 14-year-old boy you might as well forget about it. He is obsessed with Ciel, will go to incredible lengths to stalk him like a complete creeper, and if reprimanded or rejected by Ciel, Alois will probably flirt with his aunts, uncles, butlers, servants, and cousins of all degrees just to spite him!  
That being said, Alois is easier to handle if a Ciel unit (which he will refer to as "my perverted little earl") is around, though the Ciel unit in turn will become petulant and constantly refer to Alois as "that annoying would-be prostitute". A secret Lovers Mode can be unlocked between the two that will render all other units and yourself safe from molestation-excluding Ciel of course. For more information please consult Ciel's manual.

* * *

**Cleaning:**

He can keep himself clean, thank you very much! Pervert!

* * *

**Recharging:**

Alois is not too picky about what he eats but unlike Ciel he is not easily bribed with sweets.

*warning* Don't ever serve him sunny side eggs sunny side up. He will react with extreme violence when offered those. To improve his mood swings and quell his hyperactivity try to feed him healthfully and don't let him go on a sugar rush too often.

* * *

**Lubrication:  
**

Don't EVER go there! Even though it seems this unit wouldn't mind he is UNDERAGE and all the people who previously tried have been found stabbed and/or vanished mysteriously, with Alois inexplicably inheriting their earthly possessions soon afterwards. It's also wrong on many, many levels.

* * *

**Troubleshooting and FAQ:**

How to reset your unit:

- Shout "Andrew!" It's a bit underhanded since it is the name of his dead brother, but it's highly effective.  
- If you managed to gain his trust, threaten to leave him.

- Turn off the lights/cover his eyes.

Problem: Alois vanished, but strangely my Ciel unit has begun to wear booty shorts and tries to trick me into touching his „tralala".  
Answer: This is a common problem called the Season II Glitch. Your Alois unit will most likely have relocated under the nearest tree. Find him and exchange the ring he is wearing with Ciel's. This should reset both units and return everything to its normal state.

Problem: One moment Alois seems fine, fun-loving and sweet, the next he screams at me and begins to hurl both blunt and sharp objects in my direction.

Answer: The scary moodswings are part of his character and regretfully can't be helped.

Problem: He got wasted and posted violent videos on YouTube in which he threatens to annihilate everyone who opposes him and tries to lure popular musicans into "popping his cherry."

Answer: We told you not to neglect him! Immediately delete his Facebook, MySpace, Tumblr, Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, etc., then ground him and try to make him see the error of his ways and get him back on the right path. If all else fails you could try:

- A cookie and a hug  
- Dance lessons (you could participate too)

- A marathon of children's shows that promote love and tolerance and espouse wholesome moral lessons (Eg. "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic")  
- An exorcism (though you will require the aid of both an old and a young priest for it to work)

- A boot camp for children with behavioural problems

- Anger management group therapy in which participants are taught how to redirect their aggression in constructive ways

- Yoga  
- Gardening and flower arrangement

- A shit-ton of Xanax.*warning* Could lead to: blurred vision, fainting, fast or irregular heartbeat, hallucinations, loss of balance or muscle control, memory loss, shortness of breath or trouble breathing and suicidal thoughts or actions.

Problem: He wants something and will not stop asking for it in a whiny voice.

Answer: If his actions do not require immediate intervention (I.E. His voice has begun to reach pitches normally reserved for calling dogs), try to ignore him. Soon he will cease the unwanted behaviour and ask for a hug, sobbing. Feel free to reward him with one if he hasn't started threatening to hold his breath until he passes out and/or burst the eardrums of everyone in the vicinity.

Problem: He drugged me, broke both my legs, forced me to drink a gallon of something he found under the sink and then clung to me declaring his undying love and vowing to take care of me foreeevvverr.

Answer: ...We tried to warn you, but sadly you didn't listen. You have our sympathy but the disclaimer still applies. We will try and send help. An EMT should be at your side in approximately 10-15 minutes... providing Alois doesn't strangle them with a silk ribbon while they're still on the front lawn.

* * *

**Final note:**

Good luck with this brat! You're gonna need it!

* * *

**Ciel:** This so called "authoress" threatened to mass produce me next! What a disgrace! I order you DO NOT REVIEW! Or I will sic Sebastin on you! That will teach you! She really doesn't need encouragement.


	4. Claude Faustus

Thank you ClearSnow for beta reading this chapter 3

Thank you to all you beautiful, crazy reviewers! Have a cookie! I really like to know what you think and what unit you would pick for yourself.

Special thanks to LittleTrancyGirl, SelenaWolf, Eglentyne and UniversalSweetheart for leaving multiple reviews. I love you guys! Thank you!

I know I promised Ciel, it's only Claude for now, please don't kill me!

* * *

***Congratulations!***

You are now the proud owner of a Claude Faustus – spectacled bastard © *kichiku megane* unit from our premium Kuroshitsuji line. Follow this manual to get the maximum usage and enjoyment out of your unit.

Claude used to be a spider demon with an immaculate pedigree; however, over the course of his unnaturally long life, he seems to have been bitten by many creatures (including but not limited to: a giraffe with rabies, a radioactive Disney Princess, a extremely aggressive seme with various substance abuse problems, and a pedobear) and has subsequently appropriated some of their , who is purely a crow demon, regards him as tainted and repulsive.

This unit functions in the same capacity as the Sebastian unit, but if you are aiming to own a _perfect_ butler, we recommend the Sebastian unit, as Claude has been known to unrepentantly commit faux pas like dripping sauce on the rim of plates.

_*disclaimer * _Our company is not liable for any mental, physical, monetary, or property damage that you may suffer as a direct or indirect consequence of opening this box.

_*disclaimer* Claude is not affiliated with Spiderman or Spiderpig._

_This unit comes with a one year warranty that covers any damage inflicted by Sebastian._

His soul eating ability has been disabled; however he is not as loyal as Sebastian and sees the contract as more of a guideline than strict code of conduct. You'll find that he has his own selfish goals so keep an eye on him!

* * *

**Initial Activation:**

The butler of the Trancy household should come fully assembled and equipped. Please check his accessories before proceeding; later claims cannot be taken into account.

He comes with:

- A set of clothing befitting a butler of the Victorian era

- 60 pcs. of gilded cutlery (all of which are counterparts to Sebastian's silver set)

- A pair of glasses, silver

If you wish to attain additional merchandise our range includes:

- A black top hat and a cape (Claude seems to think wearing these items renders him completely unrecognizable. They _really_ don't.)

- Cuddly pink flannel pyjamas with a heart pattern and a matching night cap

- A pink ball gown, a sceptre, a tiara, and a singing bird (available in several designer pastel shades)

- A chef outfit with accompanying shawl (It looks strange, but Claude will not wear one without the other.)

- An voice-controlled obedience collar that will electroshock him if he misbehaves or acts out, making him easier to control

Claude's green demon sword 'Laevatein', which he likes to store inside of Hanna Anafeloz and which he often tries to impale Sebastian with, is not included, nor can it be obtained.

Claude is voice-activated. Before activating him, make sure to place his contract seal somewhere on your body (The more prominent the spot, the stronger the connection will be).

*Warning* Unlike the Sebastian unit, Claude sometimes tells lies.

*Warning* If you desire a romantic relationship with this unit, NEVER tell him that you love him; treating him with resentment instead will cause him to fall for you.

*Warning* Keep him away from Alois units - especially if you don't own the obedience collar. If you own a Claude and Alois unit simultaneously, make sure they don't form a contract and don't leave them alone together as Claude is a bad influence on Alois and could end up fatally damaging him.

*Warning* Claude despises most women by default, so you will need to show him that an attitude like that is not acceptable! Do not allow him to make derogatory remarks about anyone in your household or call anyone names! Feel free to order him around and threaten him (Don't worry about offending him with this; he likes it).

* * *

**Features:**

Claude is capable of fulfilling all of his butler's duties; however, he prefers to delegate work if possible. His favourite pastimes are tap-dancing and, freakily enough, crocheting.

* * *

**Mannerisms and Character:**

The name "Faustus" should be foreboding in itself, as a Faustian Contract is defined as a deal made with the devil in order to fulfil long-harboured wishes, ending with the demon taking the soul of the person with whom he or she shares the Contract after a set amount of time or after the human's goal is achieved. Of course, _we_ have rendered the Claude unit unable to devour souls, but since he used to feed on souls with greater frequency than Sebastian - going for quantity, not quality - he is predisposed to tire of his owner quickly, so do your best to keep him under your thumb, or at least entertained!

The Claude unit tends to be very phlegmatic, uncommunicative, and reserved unless he is offered some blood (which he considers delicious). After that, his behaviour will become erratic: he will sing, dance, and jealously defend you while making sexual innuendos and generally acting like a complete creeper.

* * *

**Cleaning:**

Claude would feel only contempt towards any master willing to lower him or herself to the task of bathing a mere butler, so you might as well let him take care of himself.

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**Recharging: **

Like the Sebastian unit, this unit does not require any kind of sustenance. However, you will find him delighted to accept a few drops of blood.

*warning* Sadly, Claude is not above undignified behaviour and will most likely try to lap at any and every spatter of blood he comes across, which will occasionally make things awkward for you if you take him outdoors. After all, if people see a man with a 20-inch tongue lapping at any random puddles of blood he finds on the ground, they tend to shoot first and ask questions later (especially if they are familiar with the Resident Evil franchise). Furthermore, allowing Claude to lick up strange pools of blood from unknown origins could end with him becoming obsessed with someone else, which would only cause further headaches for you. In short, unless the idea of being caught in a crossfire of bullets and golden cutlery appeals to you, it's probably best to keep him locked up inside your house at all times.

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**Lubrication:**

If he tells you his "spidey sense" is tingling, he is trying to tell you he is horny, _not_ that he senses impending danger. While most sane humans would react to such an announcement with extreme dread and run away screaming, spiders also need love. Claude will possibly demand some "alone time" with any Sebastian units in the vicinity and will shamelessly flirt with them. Sebastian (between his tendency to sneer a lot in Claude's presence and a proclivity towards sensuously removing his gloves with his teeth, accompanying the gesture with an overload of suggestive blinking) seems to bring out Claude's aggressive seme side. The two units normally commence liaisons with excessive groping, followed by a romantic candlelit dinner and a cook-off culminating in playful cake batter fights that end messily in more ways than one. You will have to decide if you will allow your Claude unit to engage in such activities. We suggest videotaping the progress of the courtship and mass-producing copies to sell on eBay. No one ever said putting up with this bastard didn't have any potential perks.

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**Troubleshooting and FAQ:**

How to reset your unit: Shout: "You'll never be Fred Astaire!" (or, if you're feeling playful, pretend to let him devour your soul).

Problem: His mouth contorted into this totally creepy "U" shape. I was so scared!

Answer: If the Claude unit attempts to smile you should indeed be alarmed, because when he acts suspiciously friendly, he is probably concocting evil schemes. Don't be surprised if you are woken up within the next few days by high-pitched screaming coming from your basement or the sounds of someone chuckling lowly to themselves like a complete freaking lunatic. We don't actually know the details of whatever crap he pulls during these episodes, and frankly, we don't want to know badly enough to find out. We suggest you ignore these episodes as best you can and purchase a pair of earplugs to get you through the nights to come.

Problem: Claude is munching on the rose bushes in the garden.

Answer: As we mentioned earlier, Claude possesses several giraffe-like qualities. These enable him to consume these thorny plants without harming himself (In case you didn't know, giraffes are among the toughest species in the animal kingdom. ...Apparently). However, if you find such behaviour unacceptable, we recommend loudly insulting him until he stops.

Problem: Claude redecorated my house with spider webs and spiders and refuses to take them outside.

Answer: Well he is a spider demon after all. If you are disturbed by the presence of common garden-variety spiders why did you go out and get yourself a butler whose real form is a gigantic arachnid? Really, you should just try to deal with your new house guests. Think of all the good spiders do! They will eat any pesky mosquitoes or flies that manage to sneak into your house, and if, for whatever reason, you have a bizarre phobia of Ron Weasley sneaking into your room at night to stare at you while you sleep well then you can start to rest easy again, as Weasley hates spiders! Practically faints at the mere sight of them, that red-headed pansy! Er, *cough* anyway, just try not to kill any or Claude will pout for days and generally make your life miserable. Threatening to murder one is a good way to manipulate him though.

Problem: Claude showed up with a Ciel unit, insisted that he "found" it lying around somewhere, and proceeded to try and molest it in the bathtub.

Answer: 99% percent of the characters in Kuroshitsuji deem Ciel irresistible and Claude is no exception. Reset him immediately, before his infatuation with Ciel reaches really disturbing proportions (during which the Claude unit attempts to do things like kiss Ciel's feet). Next call the Shinigami hotline at 1-800-REAPERS to report that you found a Ciel unit and to give them his serial number to help find the owner. We recommend keeping Claude deactivated as long as Ciel is at your house to avoid any further complications.

Alternatively, you could reset the Claude unit and keep the Ciel unit, but since the Ciel unit won't be satisfied with Claude's service it is probably not worth the hassle.

Problem: He stuck a knife in my sister "for safekeeping" and claimed it had magical powers. O_O

Answer: Our deepest condolences, but the disclaimer still applies. In our defense, there were probably warning signs prior to the incident that you chose to ignore for whatever reason (E.g. Claude refused to refer to your sister as anything but monikers like "slut" or "whore," Claude viciously cut her out of all your family portraits and possibly pasted in pictures of himself in her place, Claude ripped the heads off of all her female dolls and threw them in the fireplace, Claude stuck a knife in the side of a jack o' lantern and left it outside her door along with a Post-it saying "You," etc.)

Problem: He got pwned by Sebastian.

Answer: If this occurs within the 1 - year warranty you can get a replacement Claude unit; to do so please contact our helpline. Either way his loss was, frankly, inevitable and has nothing to do with any manufacturing errors; it is only natural that the Sebastian unit would triumph, even if it at first looks like Claude has the upper hand, since the Sebastian unit is a much more powerful demon than the Claude unit, despite any appearances to the contrary. We hope you weren't betting on the fight with anyone. Ouch.

Problem: On several occasions, when I've awoken in the middle of the night, I've found Claude gazing at me with an unpleasant expression, or hanging from the ceiling, staring at me without blinking.

Answer: Well, there's no immediate need to fear for your _physical _well-being, since Claude seems to have becomeinfatuated with you. The stalkerish behaviour is part of Claude's character. Really, you should be more concerned if you _don't_ find him staring at you longingly, because that probably means he's become obsessed with someone else and is currently planning your demise.

Problem: He destroyed my Alois unit!

Answer: Sorry, no refund! This is not covered by the warranty. We warned you!

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**Final note:**

Good luck with this bastard! You're gonna need it!

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I actually like Ron, so don't be mad Wonwons!

Buy my love as long as it's cheap and review! I promise I will eventually do one for Ciel, Grell, William, and Ronald. *wiggles eyebrows*

**Ciel: **You all seem to have no idea what Sebastian is really capable of doing! He hasn't returned yet, but I am confident that he is just being pedantic, as always.

You should all cower in fear! If this madness continues I will find a way to fuck up your cybering devices in retaliation for your insolence!


End file.
